Tonight was stupid and I ended up going to see my friend Matt halfway through anyways.
I need to tell you a story

There is this group of boys from Mansfield and they are my bestfriends. I love all of them to death and would do anything for them. So anyways Matt who everyone calls "Sweatt" (yeaa I know gross but its his last name) was out riding with Cush, Swanee, Nick, Kyle and Mike *I know my friends have weird names) and they were having a good time and Sweatt was on the back of Swanee's Quad and they were riding when they saw these huge bump and there was a huge ditch on the other side. Needless to say they couldn't bail in time and and Swanee jumped off the Quad before it flipped but Sweatt couldn't. He landed underneath the quad on his back and couldn't get up. He was in so much pain and he couldn't feel anything so they had to call an ambulance. 

He went to the hosptial he the Dr said he just had a broken ankle but he still couldn't feel anything and they just sent him home. So his mom took him back he was like "he is numb and can't feel anything, there is something wrong". It turns out he broke two bones in his back and had a broken ankle and had to go in for an 8 hour surgrey. I felt to so bad it see him in so much pain. He is doing ok now but they aren't able to tell if he is going to be paralyzed from the waist down or not. He was looking forward to many things and I really hope he is going to be ok.  





I love you Matt
Stay strong 
<33 forever&always

 So there is this boy
and I kindasortareally like him 
he gives me butterflies :)

I'm so confused its not even funny
I just dont get it.

But I do know that I miss Nikki and Gracie and i'm seeing them soon :)
I can't wait

I miss Jake and talking to him until I feel asleep every night. Now he won't even talk to me and I didn't even do anything. He just uses some lame excuse and if he meant it then it would be like this. He's crazy but I love him even though he sucks
So much for being my "bestfriend" 
hmm what can you do?

 Ok so for so long I have been in this aweful state of mind and I don't know what it was but today I just felt alive again. It feels so good to smile. I hate when I let things get to me even though its nearly impossible to help. I can't change what has already happened and theres nothing I can do about it so FUCK IT. I'm so set. I don't need people who lie to me and use me. All set with that and i don't need that shit son. I still think about a lot of things but whatever. Whats done is done. (Just know that you've fucked up and have lost any chance of ever having my trust and there is nothing you can possibly do to change my mind). 

P.s. Just so you know If you hurt me there will never been anything you can do to make me stomach you. I hate that more than anything in the entire world. Never lie to me, never not mean what you say, be loyal, and step the fuck up. Keep these things in mind.

Im getting me sleeve soon
omg its going to be so pretty
i cannot wait
I'm like jumping in my seat right now 
hahaha


Hey Amber I love you.

 I feel like I cannot get out of my own way. Seriously this is killing me. I don't know what to do with myself there isn't even a word for what i'm feeling. Just when I thought it was getting better someone had to say something. FUCK. I wish people would make up there minds and stop fucking with mine :( . Its been to long since I have been honestly happy. I feel like the biggest loser saying this but its true. I'm so good at pushing everything aside and pretending to be happy and that nothing bothers me that it feels like thats all I know now. I'm the type of person that doesn't want to bring anyone down with me and everyday it gets harder to pretend that i'm okay but truthfully i'm not okay, i'm really not. There is never going to be another person or anyone I can trust. Nothing feels right, I can't eat, I haven't slept in days, i'm anxious more than normal, im just freaking out. I'm down with this before I go crazzzyy


Save me.

  

The Album "Sunsets & car crashes" by, The Spill canvas 
is the most amazing thing I have ever heard. 


 


But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are

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 Well I haven't updated this in i don't even know how long but it doesn't really matter because nobody tends to read them. :)

Amber hasn't been here the past couple days and it feels so weird, like i can't even explain it to you. We had so much fun and we went looking at stuff for our APT. I can't wait for that either. Finally we will be on our own, and we can start fresh. 

So yesterday Nikki left and it sucked. I hate saying goodbye to people. Its the absolute worst. The thing that sucked even more was that I didnt even get to say goodbye to my peanut. I mean seriously....gahhh. She will be in CT in April for her sisters wedding so I will drive up to see her :). April can't come soon enough.

In about 22 days I will be owning ass at the Take Action Tour and its going to be SICK. Me and my brother are going, gotta yo bro's :) and Jeffy wants to go to. That should be interesting but defintaly a good time. After that I'm going to be pumped for the New England Hardcore and Metal fest. :) :) :) I need to save my money though 130$ for a three day ticket and thats really not even that bad, its totally worth it.

I guess I'm done for now and next time I won't take a million years to update this

P.S I'm going back to school. Im excited but really nervous. Jessica says she wants to come with me to and that will be good so we can both push eachother to go and finish, except if I remember correctly she was always the one I was getting to skip class with me tehe.

WAIT one more thing!
Okay I don't mean to sound bitchy but I have just realized that you can't make everyone happy no matter how hard you try. All you can do is do your best and be there and listen to someone when they just need someone to talk to. It just bothers me when you try your best and all they do is throw it in your face. If i didn't care about you then I wouldn't try. Sometimes things never seem to make sense. 
This whole ----- thing is getting to me as well. I'm pretty sure i've wasted way to much time on something that has "almost happened" key word "almost" I can't wait any longer and its unfair to make someone wait like that. There is always an excuse for everything and I hate that. What are you going to do when you run out of excuses? Its time to grow up and face your fears because if you don't your going to be stuck on repeat. I just really hope that he is being sincere in the things at he says because i hate people who fuck around. I feel like he's lieing to me. I'm think i'm putting to much thought in to it. I'm just parnoid. Yeaaa thats it...

Well I guess i wasn't really done but I'am right now
We shall meet again. 
 

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I want to jump in my Car, and drive for hours. I need to get away. Just for a little while. I need some time, and someone to talk to. Someone who will just listen is all really I want.



When you realize theres nothing left to do but wait,
but the wait seems like more than you could ever take,
Keep your head up and steer straight,
and don't ever let them see how your heart breaks,
This could be the end or just the beginning
but there's a long road ahead,
and the curiosity is what keeps the world spinning.